Qwaser Of Stigmata

Welcome to The Manga Connoisseur Two-Year Anniversary Special! Ladies and gents, do I have a surprise for you. We’ll be looking at Qwaser Of Stigmata today. Why is it special? Because it is, without a doubt, the worst manga I’ve read in my life.

Hold your applause until the end of the show, folks. Yeah, I had a reason for going light yesterday, and it’s because I knew how bad this would be. I even had to write myself a bulleted list just to remember what I hated about it. It has 16 items. SIXTEEN! So let’s look at “Qwaser Of Stigmata”. Viewer Discretion Is Advised.

First, the back cover. It has so many labels, with a whopping four. “May include:
-Explicit Sexuality
-Sexual Partial Nudity
-Explicit Sexual Violence
-Explicit Fanservice”

Anyone else see what’s wrong here? Oh yeah, IT’S ALL ABOUT SEX. Nevermind that, but why have “Sexual Partial Nudity” at all? Isn’t it obvious from the other three what’s gonna happen? For that matter, “Fanservice”? Really? That deserves an 18+ rating? Also, to me, it ain’t no fanservice. This manga should’ve been 70+. Wait, no, that’d give them heart attacks. Okay, 0-. Wait, no, then babies could read it. Nothing, okay? It shouldn’t have been a manga.

Plot: Just Kidding Take two cups Christianity, three cups sacrilege, and D-cups of breast milk.

I’m done. No, breast milk, it’s the end of me. Breast milk. That’s a thing our society allows now. They must, if it got translated. I’M DONE.

Continuing, Mafuyu and Tomo are losers, don’t have no friends but them, meet strange boy who sucks women’s breast to restore energy, I’m done again. It’ll be the end of me!

So… yeah, moving along, Alexander, the boy (who Tomo thought was a girl, but it seemed pretty obvious not), works for a Christianity that claims the true cross looks ridiculous, so they abide by that one. But that’s going too far, even for me. I mean, sucking breasts as a 13-year old is nasty, but bringing religion into it is just wrong. I’m surprised I heard nothing about Christians being offended. Good thing Tokyopop was cancelled just in time.

The breast sucking is in every chapter, by the way.It’s almost as if the author was being perverted just to see if he could get away with it. But I refuse to believe that. Right? …Right?

Mafuyu and Tomo are bullied by some of the meanest bullies I’ve ever seen. Apparently they begrudge Tomo for having a missing dean of an uncle, and Mafuyu for being technically Tomo’s maid. Yeah, a maid. The fanservice circle is almost complete, we just need a cat-ears woman. Oh. There is one. It might just be her hair, but it looks and acts like cat ears tend to do. Her name’s Teresa, by the way. She allows Alexander to suckle her nipple. I’m done all over agian. And I don’t even care that I misspelled “again”.

The reason for all the breast-sucking is… get this… the first Christian image is Jesus sucking Mary’s breast. Really? Yeah, I totally recognize that image. Jesus laying on an incorrect cross, using Jesus as an excuse to have milk-drinking… it’s almost as if the religion aspects were stifled by the author, but he’s letting it all out. But that can’t be right, right? …Right?

I’ve never played a video game with such terrible graphics. Oh, sorry, got distracted. Just… taking my mind off of the horrible “twists” the author came up with. Get this, first it turns out that Tomo’s a bad guy. She’s really kind, by the way, so it was a contrived twist. What was more contrived was that it wasn’t her, but their only other friend, a girl with glasses. Okay, NOW the fanservice circle is complete. Turns out glasses is the bad guy, and she was using Tomo as a puppet. But she also seemed nice, so it still comes out of left field. No, it comes from Chesterfield. Yeah, the sofa.

The glasses who no longer wears glasses upon revealing her true form has two… oddities. First, her mouth when it’s open in one scene looks really deformed. Jeez. Two, she threatens Tomo by saying something like “You sh*tty *BEEP*s!” The sh*tty was my own censor, but the *BEEP* was theirs. Why have sh*tty but not the *BEEP*? There isn’t much worse words than that, given it’s one of the 7 words you can’t say on television. Also, she says “I’d love to have *BEEP* her *BEEP*!” while the imagery is her licking Tomo’s breasts. Why not say “lick her breasts”? And anyway, it’s already 18+; you can’t get more adult than adult.

Alexander is boring, Mafuyu is boring, Tomo is sweet, but boring. Practically no one makes this read worth it. Even the cliches are cliched, like how after Alexander and Mafuyu meet, he ends up in her class, and she’s all like, “AH!”. What an overused piece of trite storytelling device. Alexander is the only one who can stand up to Tomo and Mafuyu’s bullies, but then they refuse to accept it, and are all like, “We can handle ’em ourselves!” NO YOU CAN’T. Oh yeah, and at the end of the volume, get this, THEY START LIVING TOGETHER. Man, even the cliche’s cliches are cliched.

Oh wait, at the end of the volume is a new exchange student who has A FREAKING ROBOT MOTHER IN A COFFIN. Yes, her dead mother is a robot that lives in a coffin. Stop the reviewer’s express, I want to get off.

No, wait, at the end of the volume IS THE PROLOGUE. See, “pro” means “before” and “logue” comes from the word “logos” which means “a prologue should be at the BEGINNING of a terrible manga, not the end”.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. What’s really at the end is the author’s comment. Well, maybe he can clear some things up. Maybe the whole breast milk and Christianity was put upon by his editors, or maybe he had a bet to uphold.

“Hello, do you love breasts?! I love them very much!!”

Or maybe he has no soul.

Apparently his last manga was “pent up” as he non-innuendoly puts it, as he wasn’t allowed to use religion, breasts, or excess blood. Rightfully so, there’s too much blood in here. But if you’re pent up, just do what others do and write your own non-published dirty story, not this piece of mess.

Naturally, I threw this manga across the room in a fit of rage. Fortunately, it fell behind the couch. Unfortunately, it returned unscathed.

Why must I torture myself? I was talking to the manga because I needed to reason with it. It seems that out of all the manga in all the world I had to pick up, this one fell into my lap. WHY. Because I was curious? Well… yes. It got some pretty scathing reviews, no wonder why. But to think that this may be the pinnacle of awful just upsets me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad manga to review, but I may have hit the snag with this one. But don’t worry. As long as manga exists, I’m sure there will be poor decisions, bad translating, and plenty of exposed breasts to comment on.

And hopefully, I’ll still be doing what I’m doing one year from now. Well, for now, take care. And always wear a bicycle when you’re going to ride a helmet.

Overall Opinion: I think “worst manga I’ve ever read” sums it up, don’t you?

Rating: Awful, terrible, evil, lustful, nasty, gross, disturbing, disgusting, unpleasant, horrible, horrifying, and demonic even with all the religion in it. Out of a billion.

Bunny Drop

Next review is a special one. It marks my two-year anniversary of the first review I did. Yeah, I know I said Oresama Teacher counts as your anniversary special, but then I realized that only counts as the “First Post” anniversary, not an actual review. I haven’t even read it yet, but I know it’ll be a doozy. How? While it’s true you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, the back cover is excellent proof of the inside content. Even the rating system is terrible.

But for now, let’s do what I like to do, and take a breather. I know, terrible manga makes for funnier reviews, but not all manga reviews lack humor just because they’re not terrible. “Bunny Drop” is a slice-of-life story that can be appreciated by the young and old and young at heart and old at soul and middle-aged at kidney. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Plot: Daikichi is not a loser. He doesn’t have girlfriend, but that really doesn’t matter to him. No one’s breasts are being exposed as he goes to a funeral of his grandfather who did not leave him a mansion full of maids in his will. He did, however, leave behind a young daughter who is not a bodacious babe with a bubble brain. He decides by his own accord rather than peer pressure to adopt Rin, the young girl whose bare body is not illegally being displayed.

This is like Yotsuba&!, but with a less grating protagonist. Okay, hold on. While I do like Yotsuba, she is a bit much to handle. She’s just a mystery, and we’ll probably never figure out what it is. Rin is also a mystery, but she can act like a child without it being too cartoonish. And for each title, that works because that’s what we’re focusing on. I like both Rin and Yotsuba, but Rin’s smart and manages to still come off as real.

But the focus is on Daikichi, and not because he’s being bullied at school and gets a hot girl to live with him. No, he’s very introspective, which works to the story’s benefit. He’s also useful at work, which shows us that even though he’s living by himself, and not because his parents are explorers who trust him to go to school and live on his own without dying, as well as not bringing home any strange women.

There’s a great scene where Daikichi’s relatives are discussing what to do with Rin, and all the while they come across as self-absorbed. Not one family member loses their clothes in an explosion. Daikichi, disgusted with their callous attitude, takes Rin for himself because she needs a home, and not because it would cure his crippling loneliness.

Day-to-day emotions are discussed here, and not the kind that involves lust. How is Rin taking her father’s death, how does Rin herself feel about death, how can Daikichi support a little girl when he needs to hold down a job? Not one question involves which girl he likes better.

I don’t know why it’s called “Bunny Drop”, but then, I don’t get a lot of titles. Maybe because bunnies are cute and the drop signifies tears? Then again, I’ve never been great at this game. “xxxHolic”: People who are addicted or obsessed to general things come for advice. “Dragon Ball Z”: Well, I guess there’s a dragon and balls, but the “Z” alludes me. Did he plan 26 volumes? No. So why the Z? “High School Girls”: Heck if I know, because they act like children and look like adults.

But that’s not the issue. Rather, the emotional drama, rather than soap opera drama, plays out very well. It’s not just Rin being æffected by Daikichi’s choices. His family, his work, it seems everyone except for aliens and robots being a part of Daikichi’s decisions.

There’s other characters, which give us some interesting dialogue to work with, but the clear focus is on Daikichi and Rin, not the piddly lives of side characters, which gives us more time to enjoy the main duo.

I could compare this to Aishizuretezeterute Baby, but they’re in two different leagues of drama. Bunny Drop goes for more of the questions, while Aishiretuezere Baby goes for relationship. Both work well, and I think I just compared them anyway.

Not one character gets a nosebleed from looking at Rin. This is fine.

Overall Opinion: This is what more manga should try to be. Not necessarily dramatic, but in the field they’re aiming for, more human. I know, looking at bare breasts is fun, and I’m not trying to suggest otherwise, even though I mean it. But maybe less of the obvious cliches? Maybe it’s wrong to compare drama to comedy, but why does drama manga stand out more than comedy manga? I’ve read drama manga with comedy, which worked, and I’ve read comedy manga with drama, which has also worked. But why make all comedy manga the same? This breather is what I needed to clear my head a bit for the next review, which I can pretty much assure will be worth the breast jokes I’ve lost on this review. Well, time for the rating.

Rating: A drama manga that gives you what to think about out of a field full of generic breast-filled, apartment-living-together, science-fiction women with no values, occasional gender-confusion manga. It’s a good score.

Grand Guignol Orchestra

Lemme give you the “twist” that they give away in the first chapter: The person on the cover is a guy. OoOoOoOoH! Well… I mean, I saw this cover a year ago, and I thought it was a guy. Despite being gorgeous (according to the manga, I don’t know how or when bony hands qualified as beauty) and having long hair and soft features, he looks no less of a guy than, say, Ranma. He looks like less of a girl than Ageha from Butterfly, insert reminder of my old reviews available on this site here.

But this whole manga has expected twists shoved into it. So let’s take a look at “Grand Guignol Orchestra”. Sheesh. What a name.

Plot: So there’s this zombie curse or somting, and it makes the victims turn into doll-like zombies or simtung. This orchestra or Samsung waltzes in (not literally), offering to fix or temporarily fix or slightly fix or not fix at all the curse in a certain town. There’s a lot of padding, and they kinda sorta not really fix the problem. A boy named Sue joins them. Might as well be named Sue, ’cause he’s a she. OoOoOoOoH!

This is no Bruce Willis in Unbreakable 12 Monkeys goin’ on. Even though I didn’t guess myself that Sue was a Suzanne, it was pretty obvious when you look at it. I may have had a lingering thought, but then, I may have said that to make me sound more intuitive.

All the twists are guessable pretty quickly. I knew that Lucille (the not-woman on the cover) was a man because not only did the manga inside refuse to pronoun him, but so did the back cover. Then people start calling him “she”, so why hide his gender if people are going to mistake his chromosomes anyway?

For no reason, when Sue (not his real name, alright, but let me have this) decides to join the orchestra, she stays a boy. Why? Like I said, the reason is not understandable. Oh well.

I was mostly excited about the doll zombies, AKA The Guignols. They seem kind of cool. Zombies that look like dolls? Dolls look like fake humans, so the creepiness factor is through the roof. However, they decide to only give them focus in flashbacks and at the end of every other chapter. Yes, the main focus: FREAKING HUMANS. Aliens, monsters, robots, HEYLET’SFOCUSONTHEHUMANS NO! You can’t, alright? Humans were some of the most boring parts in a lot of media. Cloverfield was good, but Godzilla is better. Wait, I think most Godzilla films focus on humans. DANG IT! POR QUE, SENOR GODZILLA-CHAN?

Whatever. Just enjoy the ride, right? Well, no. There’s so much talking and exposition on people we’ll never see in a few chapters that there’s barely, even parsley a ride to enjoy. Why do I care about Sue’s nurse lady or the people of the first town, nay, only town in the first volume?

I wouldn’t normally have a problem with this, but it takes away focus from the orchestra trio. We know next to nothing about them, and it’s all because of off-focusness. Why should I be made to care about the trio if we barely even see Lucille’s comrades? I shouldn’t, and neither should you, bub.

Another easily guessed twist was that a woman with a very Russian haircut was working against this rich guy in the second half of the volume. I didn’t guess that she was an associate of Lucille’s, but it wouldn’t be wrong seeing how she didn’t squeal his junk. Don’t ask, but if you did ask I wouldn’t mind, since I like having company.

Then the last page has this doll not-zombie lady. Okay. Well, if you care to know what her deal is, I recommend you pick this up. The thing is, I don’t recommend that. With blatantly obvious twists, dull dialogue, blank characters, and a restaurant that thought I wanted salad when I clearly said soup, Grand Guignol Orchestra is a wild ride that leads to nowhere. When I say “wild” I mean compared to a ride on a mule. Unless it’s a wild mule.

Overall Opinion: Oh yeah, they fix zombies with music. Sheesh. What a manga.

Rating: A chewing gum left under the table. Don’t touch it.

COMPLETED! Mahoromatic

To understand my rantings in this review, hit yourself repeatedly in the head. To understand what manga I refer to, read my review of volume one here.

I have never been so split down the middle of whether or not I like a manga in its entirety. Even “From Far Away”, I read further and liked more of what I saw. I read this whole series, and, well, I just can’t make up my mind. Read on, readers.

The manga is still lecherously perverted, the best and worst kind. But late into the series I learn the horrible truth: THEY’RE ONLY IN JUNIOR HIGH. WHAT. Yeah, apparently one character mentions that they’re 12. Not only does that make all the naked characters wrong, but the teacher, who wants to do the nasty with Suguru… SHE SHOULD BE IN PRISON, NOT HEADING– Well, we’ll get to that. Her name is Shikijo, by the way.

Suguru grows some, Mahoro is still delightfully herself, but oddly enough, we learn that whenever she sleeps, chicks come out of her head. Yeah. Chicks. Makes sense. OHWAITNOITDOESN’T. They explain later, and so will I.

There’s some military drama, which is the worst kind of drama, unless it ends quickly and/or they decide to drop the bomb. They do neither. There’s aliens, but I find their goals vague, and the humans on both sides baffle me. What do they want? Heck if I know.

One character is described in the preview for the next volume as a science teacher. The following volume claims he’s a cooking teacher. SO WHICH IS IT, TOKYOPOP, IF THAT IS EVEN YOUR REAL NAME? In the manga, he introduces himself as a cooking teacher. Problem solved, right? WRONG. He appears in the science lab once, but never cooking room! LIARS! Forget it, he’s both. He’s cooking with science. He’s their Meth teacher. GET IT? METH! MATH! I’m sorry.

Oh, and he falls in love with one of his students.

Perfect.

Mahoro gains a cyborg sister, and she’s a total klutz. This might be funny if it weren’t horribly overused and if Minami didn’t look so sad all the time. Actually, when she finally smiles, it’s well worth it. Like a million yen, which is like, a quarter.

Anyway, ENDING. And this is the crossroads. To no one’s utter surprise, Mahoro reveals herself as an android, Suguru confesses his love for her, and Chizu is apparently the smartest girl in love with Suguru. Seriously, she’s a wistful one, apparently. Mahoro’s lifespan is shortened even more, so she has little time to spend with her newfound love. This doesn’t matter, because they confront a Joker-esque enemy (in mindset, that is) who cuts off Suguru’s hands.

You read that right. Suguru gets his hands cut off. My mouth was open for over ten seconds, but under a year.

Mahoro sacrifices herself to save the world from the moon exploding or something, and Suguru is left alone empty, no more girlfriend or hands.

Cut to twenty years later, Suguru has new hands. Oh. Okay. Chizu apparently is a famous author, instead of logically becoming a food critic. Whatever. One of the dull guys married Minami, while one dull girl married the other dull guy. Joy. Here’s the kicker: The other dull girl now works as a teacher in–get this–Shikijo’s school. Yeah, she’s principal now. What were they thinking? “Hey, you know who’d make a great principal? That teacher who likes to bang young boys! She’s not a liability!” Amazing.

Some woman who looks identical to Mahoro reveals that Mahoro learned her behavior from watching not-Mahoro. Including shooting chicks from her head. It’s because of a chick-shaped pillow. WHAT. MAKES… NO… SENSE!

Mahoro is reborn human and raised by the Meth teacher and his student. Wow. So she retains her old memories and goes to live with Suguru, even though he’s a crippled man. They all live happily even after.

Then we see artwork of Mahoro’s bare backside.

So, why am I at odds? Well… it’s very different from the junk that comes out occasionally. Suguru and Mahoro are both likeable, as well as some others. It can get you emotionally invested, and the ending isn’t all sunshine and sparkles. Suguru, warned not to live a stifled life, is an embittered man, who lost everything he loved. He gets revenge on the man who took it all away, but it come off as empty. It really works from a story point of view. Even that cop-out of an ending is sweet when they come back to each other.

But the military sideplot is awful, the nude scenes are wrong, and a lot of it is clumsy. The characters aside from the central ones never become fleshed out, so we never care if Suguru dumps the other girls or not. And the goals of the enemy groups aren’t clear. Why do aliens need to come to Earth anyway? If we kill you, it’s probably a sign that you should stay home.

But in the end, it’s the heart of the story that works. It gets you to like Mahoro, Suguru, and others. With that, I think it’s worth a reading. Mahoromatic may not be perfect, but at least it made me care.

Final Impression: Jason Thompson, the man who wrote The Complete Guide To Manga (by this point no longer complete), gave this one star. Maybe that’s a better retelling, but I’ll take this over most stuff by Yen Press any day. It may have huge, glaring flaws, but at least the characters actually like, and care, about one another.

Completion Rating: Four Rhinoceros Waiters out of Seven.

Mahoromatic

I was stalling reading this one, because it’s about a robot maid. Then I decided to read it, because it’s about a robot maid. This is “Mahoromatic”.

Plot: Suguru is such an orphan! He doesn’t even have parents! Wait, that’s what an orphan is. Hm. He’s not really a loser, since he has friends, girls like him, and no one’s abusing him 24/7. Could this be the start of a beautiful manga? No. Maharo is a combat robot who’s about to die in, like, under 400 days. She saves Suguru from a horrible bus incident (which is the worst kind of incident), and, wouldn’tchaknowit, she’s his new maid. Naughty-naughty ensues.

Yeah, I was extremely surprised by this one. Suguru isn’t a huge loser, Mahoro isn’t a huge dimbulb, and there’s some core elements of emotion in this manga. But when you have a scene where the bus hijackers order all the women (excluding old women and children, “for decency”) to strip, it kind of undercuts what’s going on.

I don’t know, the nudity goes too far for me. Boobs, breasts, nipples, jugs, hooters, funbags, melons, milkballs, and other such euphemisms, I am used to. Anuses, butts, booties, behinds, tails, bottoms, rears, posteriors, jiggle ‘n’ squezzies, and others, that as well. But the art style is so cute, it comes as a sort of curveball. I mean, look at this.

Does any nudity first come to mind? If you said “yes”, you’re probably right, but if you’re NOT me, then you probably said “no”. They’re too cute to be naked. I don’t think the art style works to its advantage. Oh well.

I like how Mahoro knows what’s what. She could be like an alien mindset, no clue how an apple functions, but they didn’t go the low route. No, Mahoro even invents a wonderful back-story on the spot to tell Suguru’s friends. Oh, right. That.

You know how “we have to hide her real identity or trouble will be coming”? I understand you don’t want everyone to know that Earth is currently fighting off aliens in private, but why tell them that? Just say she’s a robot! Wouldn’t it be less perverted if she isn’t real? If you said “yes”, you’re wrong. It’s more horrifying to be in love with a lamp than a maid. Okay, so Suguru is justified.

I’m mixed on the teacher. She’s nuts. This is a rare time that I use my “student teacher romance” tag without the “teacher” tag, since it isn’t the primary focus. And trust me, I’m glad it isn’t. You know how kids fantasize about their teachers? Well, it’s opposite day in opposite land! …Which I guess means it’s the status quo. Okay, what I mean is that the teacher is in love with Suguru. Most, if not all of the scummy scenes involve her. She’s a pervertess, through and through. She even makes robot Mahoro jealous!

But that hardly means anything when this “combat android” needs to eat, sleep, and DIE. No, that wasn’t a threat. I mean that she’s going to die. There’s a counter at the end of each chapter. She’s going to die in XXX amount of days. What a downer. Besides, can’t you just repair a robot? Extend its lifespan? Seems a bit plot-convenient to me.

I love Chizu, and apparently, so does one of the creators. Maybe both, it isn’t clear. She’s funny. She LOVES food. She needs a spinoff, but it’s probably too late to ask for that. The others are just kind of there, so they’re hardly worth saying that the other two girls also love Suguru, but not in a smothering way, and the two guys

Wow. They weren’t even worth completing a thought. Oh well.

Overall Opinion: Mahoromatic is a bit skeezy, but if you look past the cute li’l breasts and BIG SCARY ONES THAT THE TEACHER HAS, you’ll uncover an manga that has a surprising lot to offer.

Rating: Three Maids out of Two! One is a Siamese Twin.

Is This A Zombie?

No. That is not a zombie. That is a “magikewl girl”. I feel pain just typing it. Like so many other manga series, the cute girl is used as bait, even though the… sigh… magikewl girl… is barely prominent in the first volume. The worst offender of this is Secret Chaser, which has a character in only one chapter on the cover, not even a side character. I think. Anyway, this is “Is This A Zombie?”. NO.

Plot: Ayumu is secretly a zombie. See, he was killed by a mysterious assassin or something, so a necromancer named Eu brought him back to life. Oh, but that’s in chapter two. Great. In chapter one, Yen Press gives us a colored page of a girl’s panties! Great. High art on page one. The… ugh… magikewl girl… lost her powers, so it’s more like “girl”, so she moves in with Ayumu and Eu. Oh, but wait! Someone else, a… and this is even more unbearable than “magikewl girl”… vampire ninja moves in with them for no discernible reason. Isn’t undeath grand? NO? WELL OF COURSE NOT.

I was going to be lighter on this since it wasn’t the worst thing I read that day, but as I type this, I’m getting real worked up. First, DON’T TRANSLATE IT AS MAGIKEWL GIRL. The Japanese pun doesn’t sound funny, and neither does this. Second, A VAMPIRE NINJA? No, good, I’m done. The world doesn’t need ol’ Manga Connoisseur to kick around anymore. Oh, you’re right, it does. VAM PIRE NEEN JA?! WHY?! She seems more like a samurai, and she’s not even allowed to harm humans, nor does she use ANY vampire powers… wait, is this a faux vampire? Like, does she twinkle or drink Honest Blood? Copyrights, y’know. Well, I won’t stand for this! Either give her throwing stars or fangs! None of this, “oh yeah, did you know I’m a vampire?” stuff! It’s like when I tell people I’m double-jointed in my legs. I know I am, but heck if I’ve got any way to prove it. Fat thighs, see.

I’ve got more anger in me to let loose. Okay, one character, Eu, won’t talk, so she communicates with notes. Fine, fine. Hey, Yen Press… HOW ABOUT TRANSLATING THE NOTES? YOU KNOW, THE ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE’S SAYING NOTES? RATHER THAN JUST GIVE A TINY UNREADABLE TRANSLATION IN THE PANEL BORDERS? I realize you want to uphold the original work, but this is too far. Just translate the notes! Really! It’s not so bad! Just translate the notes! JUST TRAN

Another qualm I have is that Haruna, who I will gladly call if I don’t have to say “magikewl” ever again, is unnecessary to anything. She has no powers. She’s not funny. She’s not likeable. She’s not even cool. Why does she even have a chainsaw? Seems foolish. It appears that she’s supposed to be “the main girl”, but fortunately yet confusingly, Eu plays a more important role in this. She and Ayumu actually get along (to a point). Meanwhile, Haruna just barges in and constantly calls Ayumu “gross” and such. Look, I understand he’s a zombie and/or he saw you naked, but shut up. He can just throw you out, you powerless tart. It’s not even funny if she abuses him, because I doubt he even feels pain. He’s a zombie, yo. HE’S A ZOMBIE! There’s no threat of him dying again! The sun just seems to hurt him, but not kill him! Where’s the joke?

The… ick… VAMPIRE NEENJA… okay, Seraphim, but she’s nicknamed Sera, fine, whatever, ‘kay, Sera, Sera. She’s pretty flat, humorwise. And characterwise. And plotwise. And clockwise. She’s just there to abuse Ayumu like everyone else. The only one as bland as Sera is Ayumu, but it’s justified seeing as he’s a zombie. But no, this is just another manga where the protagonist is bland, while the girls are bland but eyecandy. Made out of the freshest eyes.

Also, Ayumu is forced to wear women’s clothing. Ha. Ha. Cross. Dressing. Never. Seen. That. Before. In. A. Manga.

The only redeeming part of this manga is the relationship between Eu and Ayumu. Putting aside the joke that Ayumu sees Eu as a daunting cutesy sister type, a joke that outstays its welcome, there’s some real emotional scenes that I find work to the manga’s advantage. It’s mostly in one chapter, but it appears elsewhere as well. I really would have liked the series to be just about these two. Who needs the unnecessary side main characters? Eu even slaps Haruna for saying “Just go ahead and die, Ayumu”, while Eu doesn’t want Sera to stay because “I already have a servant”, meaning Ayumu. Aw, she really does care about him. He even almost made her laugh when they met. Real emotional stuff here.

Final complaint, there’s too many confusing jokes in here. You need to look at the back to read what they couldn’t make sound funny. Reading it, it wasn’t even funny in Japanese. “Hey, let’s use an archaic and probably fake Hebrew phrase as an insult to Ayumu because ‘Elo’ sounds like ‘Ero’ which means ‘lewd’!” Now, I like what you’ve done here, but I recommend setting it all on fire.

Overall Opinion: Foolish, wasteful, and overall dumb. Don’t bother.

Rating: Not even someone in a fifth-world country would want to read this manga. Not like they could.

Oresama Teacher

Two words: The person who made “Oresama Teacher” also made “The Magic Touch”, so I was abundantly excited to read this one. That’s two words, right?

Plot: Mafuyu is an ex-delinquent! Just like Mrs. Butterworth! Ah, how she loves her syrup. Any day, When she gets expelled for doing her thang, she gets transferred to a new school to be the very best, like no one ever was! Uh-oh! A fight! Her mama said “Now Mayfufufu, if you fight, I’ll disown you!” She saves the guys being fought! Uh-oh! He’s her new teacher! WHAT’S AN EX-DELINQUENT TO DO? Eat gummi bears or somefin’, I Don Knotts. That means “dunno” for those who don’t speak up-too-late-ese.

I.
LOVE.
THIS.

Imagine if The Magic Touch was done funny on purpose, and you didn’t have to interpret things as shrewd humor. That’s this. It’s funny all on its own. I thought The Magic Touch was too, but I guess oysters don’t make fricassee. Even so, schedule an appointment with my doctor, he’ll cut you a deal. Oh, was I typing while talking again? I’m such a klutz.~☆

THE JOKES ARE FUN E. The art, not baddles. But I have a… c o m p l a i n t . It’s common, really. The cutting of her hair. I know cutting hair symbolizes changing who you are, but it’s overused. And I like her long haired look better than her short. Haired. It works in Ranma (1/2, for those in the know), but I dislike it elsewhere. Also, she jokingly attempts the punk look, and, well, sir, I, like, it. But the teacher, NOT ORESAMA (what does that even mean? His name is George. No it’s not. It’s Takaomi. Did you know Tara Strong voiced Omi on Shaolin Showdown? I liked that show. Anyway, Takaomi shoots her punk look down. What a shame. Dang, did I forget to close my parenthesis? I’m such a ditz.~★)

A cliche that doesn’t work, as opposed to The Magic Touch, which does, and is founded on cliches, is “OH, DERP-A-DERP, WE’RE CHILDHOOD PALS, DERP-A-DERP! I KNOW I PUT YOU THROUGH INTENSIVE WORK, DERP-A-DERP, SO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN EXPLAIN WHY YOU FORGOT SUCH A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE IS BY FALLING OFF THE MONKEYBARS, DERP-A-DERP!” Talk about overused. OH! I finally get to use my “did I meet you as a child” tag! Check for it below!

Did I meet you as a child?

See, there it is!

The great thing about this first volume, aside from being AWESOME, is the fact there’s only three characters so far. It keeps the dynamic moderate. Oh yeah. I forgot MY FAVORITE OF DA T’REE! Hayasaka is a delinquent at Mafuyu’s new schoolio down by the coolyard. All of his scenes? H I L A R I OUS. Sorry, I couldn’t keep from finishing this thought. Hayasaka can sense, SENSE, Mafuyu’s delinquentness, which leads to some great scenes. I don’t usually do this, but here’s a scene!

Alright, it’s small, but you can just click on the picture like a civilized gent. What, clicking on it was a waste of time? Well, feg that, man! I find it right up my alley! Why, I even find it up my blouse! And I don’t own a blouse! At least, not a nice one.

I’d personally like to see more of this series. The sweet scenes made me awwwww, the funny scenes made me hahahahaha, and the art made me mmmmmmm quite! I find it to work very nicely! So don’t delay! Eat Raisin Bran today!

By the way, this is your 2-year-anniversary present. I realize I’m late, but so is all of Archie Andrews’ wives. I’m looking at you, Valerie.

Overall Opinion: Did you even read my review?

Rating: A flower in the field of turnips.